Classifieds

All replies should be addressed to the box number shown, c/o The Stourgate Bugle office. The Bugle accepts no responsibility for the contents of any reply, box, or elephant.

FOR SALE

Complete Greg Wallace collection: books, videos, accusations. Slightly soiled in places. £500. (Box 1004)

VHS video recorder. Not in working order. Doesn’t exist. Free. (Box 1005)

Medium sized elephant. Answers to the name of Monkey Chip Shop. £8.50. East Stourgate. (Box 1006)

Large collection of small collections. Each contains various things including large collections of large collections, average collections of small collections etc. Sold as seen. 12p. East Kilbride. (Box 1007)

Rocket powered car. Ford Escort XR3i with 6 large firework rockets either side. £750. Dunton. (Box 1008)

Complete works of William Shakespeare in solid gold (Readers Digest edition). £8M. Will take set of chisels in part exchange. West Ronton. (Box 1009)

Home made pickled cat. Nicer than you’d think. £7 per jar. Also badger available. Stourgate. (Box 1010)

Large round thing. We don’t know what it is but it’s been in the garage for years. Good working order depending on what it’s supposed to do. Has a flappy bit inside. £1.87. Stourgate. (Box 1011)

Complete set of Sainsbury’s flour: self raising and plain. Authentication certificate. £87. Dunton. (Box 1012)

Parachutes for sale. Made from recycled plastic bags. Not suitable if you weigh more than 1lb. £44. Dunton. (Box 1013)

SITUATIONS VACANT

Robot required for journey to space. Whirling head preferred. (Box 1103)

Trainee undertaker wanted. Must be passionate about death and corpses. (Box 1104)

PROPERTY

Two-bed terrace, walking distance to the (proposed) bypass, hidden rooms possibly useful for murder, offers over £185,000. (Box 1201)

Static caravan, seafront Seaview Towers caravan park, £9,500 ono. Park fees £960 per month plus first born child. (Box 1202)

New build homes 3 and 4 bedroom luxury houses. Starting at £450,000. Great location. Come see our show home at Platform 2, Stourgate Rail Station. (Box 1203)

PETS & LIVESTOCK

Free to good home: one (1) cat, answers to ‘dog’, good personality for a cat, although possibly racist, not sure. (Box 1301)

Chickens, four, moderate egg output, one has HGV licence. (Box 1302)

MOTORS

Vauxhall Astra, 2009, one careful owner, converted for easy wheelchair access and for Pope to greet crowds. MOT March. £850. (Box 1401)

Nissan Note, 2005, new 8 litre engine, 0 to 60 in 3 seconds, beaded seat cover. £18,750. Dunton. (Box 1402)

Vauxhall Meriva, 2012, lots of history: previously owned by Lady Diana who bought it from Hulk Hogan. £1250 ONO. Stourgate. (Box 1403)

MUSICIANS WANTED

ELO tribute band seeking bass player, preferably with large UFO stage prop. Stourgate. (Box 1151)

Vocalist seeks all other band members to start touring band. Influences: Radiohead, Taylor Swift, Pinky and Perky, Dead Kennedys, Village People and the ones who did the theme tune from the Flashing Blade. Dunton. (Box 1152)

Heavy metal band seeks new drummer. We’re not cursed like Spinal Tap, although our previous one did die. Dunton. (Box 1153)

Norwegian Techno Black Metal group seeks vocalist. You must be truly NTBM. Any Norwegian black metal, Swedish black metal, Finnish black metal, Icelandic black metal, atmospheric black metal, industrial black metal, techno black metal, avant-garde black metal, symphonic black metal, melodic black metal, progressive black metal, experimental black metal, electronic black metal, cyber black metal, ambient black metal, ritualistic black metal, dissonant black metal, post-black metal, raw black metal, depressive black metal, occult black metal, futuristic black metal, psychedelic black metal or minimalist black metal singers please do NOT apply. Dunton. (Box 1154)

Pink Floyd tribute band seeking bass player, preferably with large wall stage prop. Stourgate. (Box 1155)

Superhero seeks team. Not really a band thing but I didn’t know where to put it. I’m looking to fight crime with others but have been rejected by Avengers etc so I’m starting a group called the Helpingfighters. My power is I can put cutlery away really quickly. Seeking people with lazer eyes or who are really strong. Frinkley on Sea. (Box 1156)

PERSONALS

Man seeks woman, must have own teeth or legal access to others. Stourgate area. (Box 1501)

WOMAN SEEKS MAN. MUST LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS. STOURGATE. (Box 1502)

Goat seeks open minded couple. West Ronton. (Box 1503)

Man seeks man for platonic cowboy adventure. Dunton. (Box 1504)

Couple seeks closed minded goat. West Ronton. (Box 1505)

FRILLY DECORATIVE EDGES FOR BEDS

DECORATIVE EDGE WAREHOUSE - Over 4,000 sq ft of frill under one roof. Everything must go. Free parking, kids funfair. (Box 1601)

DECORATIVE EDGE UNIVERSE - If it’s got a ruffle, we’ve got it. Now stocking the autumn range of box-pleat valances in eleven shades of cream. (Box 1602)

DECORATIVE EDGE MULTIVERSE - Somewhere out there is the frill of your dreams. We stock it, in every dimension, in stock now at our unit behind the retail park. (Box 1603)

VALANCE NATION - Home of the double-box-pleat since 1994. Ask about our loyalty card. (Box 1604)

THE FRILL OUTLET - Trade prices for the public. No returns on bespoke gathers. (Box 1605)

OCCULT

Private collector seeks souls, any condition, will collect same evening. Serious enquiries only, ask for “The Gentleman Downstairs.” Cash or favours considered. (Box 1701)

WANTED: assorted body parts for ongoing research. Collection arranged at your convenience. No questions asked, no receipts issued. (Box 1702)

Ghost hunting services, all hours - Ed Davies, fully insured*, no spirit too stubborn, discretion guaranteed. *not actually insured. (Box 1703)

Tarot readings, Tuesdays only, second Tuesday of the month excepted due to bin collection. (Box 1704)

Psychic spirit readings. I can talk to your dead relatives, pets etc. It doesn’t matter how dead they are I can give you closure. £40 for one hour chat with the dead. Half dead £35. Evil spirits £10 extra. West Linglangton. (Box 1705)

ADULT

Ankles. Photos. Genuine collection, no time-wasters, serious enquiries only. (Box 1801)

XXX-rated wheelbarrow footage, three (3) wheelbarrows featured, not for the faint-hearted gardener. VHS only. (Box 1802)

Escort available, low mileage, one lady owner, MOT’d till March, alloys, tow bar. (Box 1803)

To place a classified, call the Bugle office or leave a note under the door. Payment in cash only.